


Hijinks, With Jeep

by Hokuto



Category: Saiyuki, Weiss Kreuz
Genre: Anime Canon, Character of Color, Comedy, Crack, Crossover, Gen, Minor Violence, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2009-11-15
Updated: 2009-11-15
Packaged: 2017-10-02 21:59:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hokuto/pseuds/Hokuto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never get in a strange jeep; that is how crossover jinks begin.  Takes place after the final episode of the Weiss Kreuz TV anime and after the beginning of Saiyuki Reload but prior to Hazel's appearance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jeep

**Author's Note:**

> The ending of the series is so bad! _So bad_! I had to make it better. ... for a given value of "better," at any rate. This story is currently on hiatus while I decide whether to waste a lot of money trying to get data off my old fried hard drive (including a draft of chapter 8) or just rewrite/skip chapter 8 and continue.

He couldn't quite remember how he'd gotten to the shore. He remembered the fighting; he remembered that somehow Weiss had managed to bring the entire building down around everyone's ears (how had they even done that? Stone buildings didn't collapse just because some idiot thwacked a pillar or two with a sword); he could remember flailing his way to the surface, and taking a few valiant strokes toward the distant shoreline, and turning over to float on his back for just a minute, to rest, and hearing some strange little squeaking noise in his ear as something tugged at his headband...

But he couldn't figure out how that had gotten him onto the beach where he was now squinting up into the clear sky as Farfarello kicked him.

Schuldig sighed and rolled away from the man's ridiculously bony foot. "Farf, didn't we have a talk about this? Hurting any of us makes God happy and that's counterproductive, now get your foot out of my ribs."

Farfarello shrugged. "Ye're alive, then."

"Sorry to disappoint." Schuldig staggered upright - shit, he probably had bruises on his bruises - and surveyed the scene.

There was a Farfarello, now turning his attention to a very unfortunate seagull. There was a Crawford, barely even looking wet, the son of a bitch. There was a Nagi, looking like a poster for child abuse. There was a jeep.

Three of them looked at the jeep. When the seagull had squawked its last, seven eyes total scrutinized the vehicle, which had an open top, a dusty, army green paint job, and a pair of keys in the ignition.

"It looks like our jeep," Nagi said dubiously. "But we took the black car yesterday, didn't we?"

"I think I can hear it," said Schuldig. "Just a hint of honey, and something else..."

"I smell the stink o' human corruption," said Farfarello, but he would say that about anything.

"It can't possibly be our jeep - can it?" asked Nagi.

"It's a jeep," Crawford said. "I call shotgun."

* * *

Five minutes after they had negotiated a bumpy path to a proper road, Crawford was asleep. The bastard. Schuldig never got to sleep in the car; if he wasn't driving, he had to keep Farfarello from carving his name into anything handy, usually Nagi or the seatcovers.

"Where are we going?" Nagi asked.

"As much as I hate to leave the least-policed city in the whole damn world," Schuldig said, "the sad truth of the matter is that if we survived, Weiss probably did too."

"No way," Nagi said. "The building collapsed on them, and there's not a chance they're smart enough to know how to swim."

"Look at it this way," Schuldig suggested. "We survived. And anything we can survive by wits, powers, and natural charm, those morons will survive by pure dumb chance. They've got God's own luck - no offense, Farf."

"Then we ought ter go back and finish the job. Do it right," said Farfarello, and licked his knife.

"To paraphrase our sleeping leader," Schuldig said, "we're not getting paid for it, it's not our job. The hell with them. We'll start an apocalypse somewhere with a little less angst train and a little more brainpower, but first -"

An old and battered white van swerved in front of them, weaving wildly, and a beer bottle smashed against the asphalt.

"Go crash on some other road!" Schuldig yelled, and hit the horn. It emitted a loud and startled "kyu!"

There was a moment of silence.

"It - the horn must be broken," said Schuldig.

"Yes, that must be it," Nagi said.

"Stinks o' human corruption," Farfie muttered.

* * *

It was close to midnight by the time they pulled up in front of a hotel on the outskirts of Nagoya, and Crawford was still asleep. Sometimes Schuldig wondered about him.

"Nagi, you go in and get us three rooms," he said.

"You do it," said Nagi, who had been not in the mood to do anything for any of the other three since they'd gone to KFC and left him in a wrecked house with Tot for company all night. "That way we don't have to pay..."

"I'll take care of it in the morning," Schuldig said, "but I've got to find some place in this damn city to park the -"

The jeep vanished.

"Ow!"

"Ow, my ass!"

"Ye great pansies -"

_Click._

"What the hell is going on," said Crawford.

"Brad?" Schuldig said carefully. "Why don't we figure that out after you put the gun away. Where do you keep that thing in a suit, anyway?"

"This?" Crawford looked at the tiny pistol. "It's not mine. It was in the glove compartment."

"Thanks for sharing it with us all, then," Nagi said. "Where's the glove compartment now?"

A tiny white dragon landed on Farfarello's shoulder, stretched its wings, looked around at them all, and said, "Kyu?"

* * *

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't allow lizards or other pets in this hotel -"

"Naturally, Liebchen, we understand perfectly. But this little fellow, he's not a pet - he's our friend's Seeing-Eye Lizard."

"Kyukyu!"

"Seeing-Eye Dragon, sorry. You see?"

"I - I suppose..."

"Wonderful. Now, about the rooms -"

"Ah, sir - I'm sorry, we've only got one vacancy at the moment..."


	2. Slumber Party

Enough of their luck was in that the hotel's last room was a double, and there was just enough space between the two beds to put a futon down for Farfarello. Schuldig sprawled over the bed closer to the window, and Crawford and Nagi took the other.

The white dragon sat on the nightstand and watched them bicker over who had to shower first or die, and what they should do with the suits, which had wrinkled quite badly and gotten ragged around the edges. They ended up in what Schuldig called "a fetching combination" of hotel robes, towels, and underwear while Farfarello used his pointy-object skills to turn the ruined suits into less formal but more presentable attire. They also took inventory of what had survived the collapse of the museum with them: the gun from the glove compartment, a handful of yen, half a pack of gum, two paperclips, a few of Farfarello's favorite small sharp things, and the number of the museum's receptionist, smeared beyond legibility.

"She was such a cute little thing, too," Schuldig said. "Honey doesn't even cover it. They don't make young ladies' minds like that everywhere, you know..."

Crawford pushed his glasses higher on his nose. "There are still young ladies everywhere. We have more - pressing problems."

"We should probably push back the Apocalypse a bit," said Schuldig. "Work up to it, maybe. Rob a bank or two, sell drugs, get into arms-dealing, then try again..."

"Kyu!"

"Or we could figure out why we have a jeep that turns into a dragon," Nagi said.

"Kyu kyuuu, kyu."

"What's that, Lassie? Little Timmy fell into the well again?" Brad said, and Nagi punched him in the arm and told him to stop making stupid American jokes, it was embarrassing.

They looked at the tiny dragon, which looked back at them with beady red eyes and said, "Kyu?"

"Go on," Schuldig said.

Many, many "kyu"s and elaborate wing-gestures later, the dragon-jeep stopped to take a breath, and the three non-telepaths turned to Schuldig, who for his part was watching Farfarello. "What?"

"Did you get any of that?" Nagi asked.

"... was I supposed to?"

The little dragon's head drooped. "Kyu..."

"As the mind-reader? Yes, I believe we were all expecting that you would," said Crawford.

"It doesn't really work with animals," Schuldig said defensively. "And it's a full hotel. Kind of busy in here, you know? I can't even tell if it's me that wants room service right now."

"Kyuuuuu."

"Sorry, little dragon, there's only so much bill I can persuade away."

Crawford sighed. "So it remains a mystery for tonight. Perhaps things will be clearer tomorrow..."

"Goin' ter sleep again?" Farfarello asked. "Thought ye'd have had enough already."

"Regardless, it's past time we all got some rest," Brad said. "We have much to take care of in the morning."

"Suits me," said Schuldig, and burrowed under the covers, luxuriating in the glorious, glorious leg-room. "G'night, then."

"'Night," said Nagi through a yawn.

"Good night," said Brad, turning off the light.

"Kyuu!"

"Hope ye don't die in yer sleep."

"Thanks, Farf."

Darkness and silence reigned for about five minutes.

"Why don't I get a bed?"

"Because if you shared a bed with me you would end up on the floor anyway," said Schuldig. "Besides, it gives you a backache, you like those."

"Oh, right."

"Are you sure Tot's safe?" Nagi asked.

"Brat, I told you I found her the finest loony bin in Tokyo, gardens and everything. Your little lolita is set for life. On your college savings, I might add."

"And there's no way she can get out and find me again?"

Schuldig muffled a laugh in his pillow, and then said, "Taking that 'love 'em and leave 'em' philosophy to the extreme already?"

Nagi's blushing tasted like pink lemonade. "It's not that - just - I want her to be okay, but I don't want to -"

"- ever hear her birdsqueaking voice again," Crawford said.

"I guess."

"Dunno how I missed 'er bloody heart," Farfarello muttered. "Point-blank range an' all."

More silence.

"I didn't know I had a college fund," said Nagi.

"Eszett's paychecks are a little too much for you at your age," Brad said. "We've been putting all of them but your allowance into a savings account."

"Just in case we haven't destroyed the world by then, we figured we'd better be prepared," Schuldig said. "A good education is a valuable thing."

"Oh."

"I forgot my straitjacket in Tokyo."

"We'll buy you a new one tomorrow," said Brad.

"Won't be the same..."

"No, but it'll be all nice and new and scratchy, you'll enjoy that," Schuldig said.

"All right," Farfarello said peaceably. That was what Schuldig loved about Farfarello; promise him some pain, his own or other's, and he was happy as a clam in - whatever it was clams liked to live in. Sand, probably. Weiss never had it so easy.

He waited until Nagi and Farfarello's thoughts had softened into real sleep, and said in a mental whisper, -Crawford, mein Herr, what are we going to do tomorrow?- Straitjacket-shopping was all well and good for a day, but after that... They had to be careful, the four of them; there was no more Esszet to fall back on, nowhere for them to go where they wouldn't be freaks and outcasts and wanted men, and if those damnable Weiss boys heard that they were still alive...

Brad was silent in word and thought. At last he said, -I'll think of something by then. Trust me.-

Schuldig's mouth twisted up in a grin. -To the world's grave and beyond, mein Herr. Though let's hope it doesn't come to that.-


	3. Scene Change

There was something different about the hotel the next morning. Most notably, it was no longer there.

Schuldig blinked up at the blindingly blue sky and overhanging leaves, and decided: This was it. This was his personal limit of unexplainable random shit happening that was not caused by himself or one of the other members of Schwarz, and it was now officially somebody else's problem, because he was going back to sleep until it was fixed.

He reached up to pull his sunglasses down over his eyes, and realized he had left them on the nightstand with the dragon. This led to a further, worse realization; he closed his eyes again and said, "Someone tell me we still have our clothes. All of us."

"Yes," Nagi said, from somewhere to his left. "I didn't think you were that shy..."

"Oh, I'm not. Nothing to be shy about here," Schuldig said, opening his eyes and propping himself up on his elbows to have a look around. "But if there's one sight I never want to wake up to in the morning, it's a bunch of pasty naked men like you lot."

"Pig," said Nagi, and threw over Schuldig's retailored suit, which had been turned into a strange short-sleeved jacket ensemble. Schuldig discarded his towel-robe and pulled it on, wriggling a bit to get into the pants - Farfarello always took in the seams too much, but it was still better than anything the rest of them could do - and took a good look at their new surroundings. Clear sky, clean air, grassy glade, trees all around, Farfarello torturing a squirrel, birdcalls, buzzing insects, barely a thought in the aether; wherever this place was, it sure as hell wasn't Nagoya...

His sunglasses dropped into his lap. "Kyu kyuu!"

"Thanks," said Schuldig.

A sudden spike of fear and aggression was all their warning before a young woman burst into the clearing, terrified and out of breath; Schuldig had barely begun to grin when five men with long pointed ears and oddly colored skin broke through the undergrowth as well. The girl found enough breath to scream, but Schuldig caught her before she could make a break for it. "What's the rush, Liebchen? We can all talk this out like civilized men, I'm sure..."

"Hey, that's our meat!"

"Or possibly not," said Crawford. "Tell me, Schuldig, do they mean -"

"Eating her, yes." Schuldig frowned and rolled their minds around on his mental tongue. Honey, yes, but there was that strange other flavor, like the dragon's mind, that he couldn't put his finger on... "Is your life usually so exciting, Liebchen, or is this something special for our arrival?"

"N-no - the youkai - I was looking for herbs, I didn't realize there were youkai here, it's been safe in this part of the woods till now -"

There was a bite mark on her shoulder; no playful bite mark, either, but ragged and bleeding freely onto Schuldig's jacket. Plain white wasn't his color anyway.

"Youkai?" Nagi said.

"Screw this," said one of the pointy-eared men, who had grey skin and a garish maroon tattoo on one cheek. "Hand over the girl and maybe we won't make you dinner too, eh?"

"Wouldn't that be a waste of a lovely young lady?" Schuldig said.

Farfarello was getting a look in his eye; Crawford stepped in front of him and said, "Gentlemen, I'm sure we can resolve things without a lot of troublesome bloodshed..."

"Why?" said Farfarello.

"What the hell, don't you know anything?" said another of the so-called youkai. "These bastards must be foreigners, look at 'em..."

As one, Schwarz bristled.

"We were going to play nice," Schuldig said. "New territory and all that. But hey, if that's really how you want it -"

"- we'll be happy to oblige," said Crawford. "You'll be taking care of the young woman, I trust?"

"There's only five of them, we don't want to be unfair. Tell me, Liebchen, is your name as lovely as you are?"

"Um - it's Miwan..."

"Oh for - just get them already!" the grey-skinned man yelled, and the other four youkai charged in.

Nagi flung out a hand and threw the leading one into a tree. That gave the rest a moment's pause, which was all the time they needed for Crawford to step out of Farfarello's way, and for Farfarello to let out a ululating battle cry (Schuldig didn't remember who had let the impressionable young man watch that Xena marathon, but they all regretted it equally in the end) and attack. Schuldig covered Miwan's eyes; there were some things not fit for a young lady to see.

Crawford had the pistol from the glove compartment trained on maroon-tattoo while Farfarello worked; the youkai's face was losing more tone by the second, though the blood splatters did play up the contrast. The one thrown into the tree tried to make a break past the fighting, towards Schuldig and the girl; Schuldig grinned, said, "You really don't want to do that," and gave the youkai's mind a twist somewhere around the vital-functions area. He collapsed. Inelegant, but hey, it couldn't all be elaborate deceptions and subtle mind-games; sometimes you just needed someone to drop dead.

"Y-you - you can't -" the grey one said. "Who the hell _are_ you?"

"What does it matter to you?" said Crawford, and pulled the trigger.

It clicked.

"Kyu! Kyuuu kyu kyuu!"

"Thanks for mentioning that earlier! Where are we supposed to find bullets in the middle of the fucking forest?"

The youkai's color began to come back. "Ha! Tried to hold me back with an empty gun, eh? I'll show you what I think of -"

Nagi snapped his fingers, and abruptly the youkai was flat on the ground, as if the gravity had been turned up to something well beyond earth-normal.

"I can take care of 'im," said Farfarello, who was seated on top of the bodies of the other three youkai and bleeding from several sets of clawmarks.

"Perhaps we should keep him," Crawford said thoughtfully. "For - cultural inquiries."

"After all, we are foreigners," said Nagi.

"We're entirely unversed in your ways," Schuldig said. "And very curious."

"Mmmgfmffgrghmm," said the youkai through a mouthful of grass and dirt.

"Sorry! Wrong answer," said Schuldig.

Nagi had quite the mental arm; as he watched maroon-tattoo soar out of sight over the treetops, Schuldig reflected on what a shame it was the brat wasn't interested in baseball. He'd make a fine hitter if he didn't mind cheating... But there were more pressing matters, as Crawford liked to say; he turned his most dazzling smile on the girl in his arms and said, "So, lovely Miwan - where can we buy you a drink?"


	4. Background and Rewards

Miwan did better than drinks; she was the cook for the largest inn in the town a short jeep-drive away, and with a freshly-bandaged shoulder she directed the kitchen in making a feast for her bemused rescuers. Schuldig, Farfarello, Nagi and the dragon dug in with a will, but Brad would hardly touch a thing besides the dumplings. Damned picky American wouldn't know good food if it was trying to eat him.

Their luck continued strong; the innkeeper's chatty wife, also Miwan's aunt, brought the food to their table, and as they ate she was more than happy to tell them all about Tougenkyo, the paradise that had become hell on earth - some time before Schwarz's arrival, apparently. Something to do with a "minus wave" (whatever that was supposed to be) and the beings they called youkai, who had been neighbors, co-workers, and friends until the wave had struck and they had begun to eat their human neighbors, co-workers, and friends. Since then Tougenkyo had been rife with banditry, cannibalism, and every other sort of mayhem as the youkai roamed the land in packs, doing as they pleased, and the humans secluded themselves in their towns for defense. "And it's been hard on us here," she said, "with no one travelling - we're not a big city, but we're on a main road and used to get lots of traders and pilgrims going by. But it's too dangerous for most of that nowadays, everyone stays where they are. You must be terribly strong to be out on the road by yourselves!"

"You should've seen them, auntie," Miwan said, bringing a fresh plate of spring rolls to the table. "They were amazing - Mr. Farfarello fought three of them all by himself, and Nagi sent one of them flying right over the trees... If it weren't for them, I'd have been eaten for sure."

Nagi blushed at the unaccustomed praise and hid his face in a cup of green tea; Farfarello took half the spring rolls and let them burn his fingertips before eating them.

"We're all very grateful to you for saving our Miwan," said the aunt. "Ah, seeing you drive up in that jeep made me think of the stories about the Sanzo party..."

The white dragon perked up from behind a dish of noodles. "Kyu?"

"The who?" said Schuldig.

"Oh, they're quite famous!" Miwan said. "Everyone knows about the great monk Sanzo and his disciples, and their journey to the West to find out why the youkai went crazy."

"And I heard that they're travelling in a jeep," the aunt said, "so when I saw yours I thought for a moment it might be them..."

Farfarello's eye twitched at the word "monk," and Crawford discreetly took the chopsticks out of his hand while Miwan headed back to the kitchen and Auntie got on with her own work.

"Kyuu! Kyu kyuuuu kyu kyuuu!"

They all looked at the dragon, which was gesturing with its wings again and seemed quite excited. Schuldig leaned back in his chair and tried to filter... "Wait, wait - you're not seriously saying - what, really? And here I thought you were one of Takatori Junior's experiments that actually worked..."

Nagi propped his elbows on the table and watched the dragon, his curiosity making him look about five years younger. "What's he seriously saying?"

"Yes, please share," Crawford said, with an unspoken "before I end your miserable existence."

"Give me a minute," Schuldig said, still concentrating. "Ah - I see, so that's what you were trying to say..."

"_Schuldig_."

"All right, all right, don't rush me," said Schuldig. "But it looks like our little friend here is, in fact, the very same jeep that was with this Sanzo group. It seems they were travelling one day when - you dropped them off a cliff?"

The dragon appeared to consider this seriously, then shook its head. "Kyuu kyu!"

"Ah, it was an accident. I wouldn't blame you if it weren't - there were these four guys back in Tokyo, and -"

"Kyu!"

"Right. So you all fell off a cliff, and when you woke up, they weren't there and you were in our world. But - hm - the journey has to go on with or without them, so you got us out of the water -"

"Kyuuu kyuu kyu," the dragon said.

"And then while we were asleep, your - wow. Your extremely attractive boss got us here, and I sincerely hope that she'll be paying us a visit in person -"

"Kyu!"

"What do you mean, she's a - oh. _Oh._ ... well, nobody's perfect. Do you have her number?"

"Focus, Schuldig," said Crawford.

"Yeah, yeah - oh, that's pretty much the whole story. Not much to it, really, as long as you're fine with multiple-worlds theory."

Crawford frowned at his barely-touched plate. "Strange..."

"I think I saw part of a show like this once," Nagi said. "Only it was a girl and her best friend instead of guys. Her name was Miwako or Miyuki or something like that, and she had to save the country with her pure heart..."

"We don't do that," Schuldig told the dragon.

"Kyuu?"

"You see, outside of the whole 'pure heart' thing, we have this deep abiding hatred for humanity and all its works -"

"Kyu kyuuu."

"It's nice to know we have that in common with them, but really, we aren't in the world-saving business," Schuldig said. "It's not our idiom. Now, if you take us back to Tokyo, we can introduce you to a few boys who are more the type..."

"_Kyu_."

"... granted, being unable to find their own asses with both hands is a downside. We still can't do it -"

"Why not?" said Nagi.

Schuldig looked up from his draconic conversation and felt a touch of apprehension. It wasn't just Nagi with the thoughtful face; Farfarello had an odd contemplative look, and even Crawford appeared to be giving the idea serious consideration.

"Well, why can't we?" Nagi said again.

Schuldig stared at them all, and also at the nearby diners listening in. He switched communication modes. -You lot can't be serious - you know damn well why! Because _we're not heroes_. We hate people. We don't want to save the world, we want it to die in a fire!-

-Then we should have given Miwan to the youkai, perhaps?- suggested Crawford.

-Hey, we have to draw the line somewhere, cannibalism seems like a good place to me! And those bastards were asking for it.-

-It might be nice to be the heroes,- Nagi said. -Or at least different...-

-Yes, because it's completely foreign to our goals,- Schuldig said. -Did I mention that we hate people? All people, everywhere? You aren't forgetting why we hate them, are you?- Ha, as if any of them could...

Crawford pushed his glasses up on his nose. -Of course not. But this appears to be a world comfortable with magic and the supernatural, and we have been given a clean slate in it. Why not play along?-

It had to be Crawford's American-ness. Too many John Wayne movies as a child or something, he thought he could be a hero just by changing his hat... -Because we _can't_. We aren't those people, we're not the hero-types. We don't do a damn thing for anyone else unless we're getting something out of it...-

-Are you feeling unrewarded at the moment?-

Schuldig surveyed the table and the plates upon plates of incredible food. -... all right, so it worked out this time. Who says it's going to be like this every time?-

-It doesn't have to be for us to manage well enough,- Crawford said.

This was beyond silly; it was getting ludicrous. He turned to Farfarello and said, -C'mon, Farf, you're with me on this, right? You playing the hero, that's not exactly going to send God into the depths of agony.-

"The irony might," Farfarello said.

Schuldig was impressed. He'd always thought Farfarello's grasp of irony ended with the elemental composition of his knives.

"Please?" Nagi said, and that really did it, because Nagi never asked them for anything and in their own way Brad and Schuldig had tried to make sure he didn't need to.

Schuldig leaned back on his chair again and said, "Fine, fine. We'll give it a try. But when it blows up in our faces 'I told you so' is only going to be the beginning."

"Kyu!"

"I hope you get good mileage, little dragon."


	5. Shopping

If they were going to get anywhere, they needed to prepare. Schuldig had planned to use his natural charm, dazzling good looks, and mind control in lieu of payment, but no sooner had he started his usual routine on the old man running a fruit stall than the dragon began kyu-ing at him furiously and produced from somewhere a golden credit card in the name of "Sanbutsushin." That was fine too.

Food was no problem, even without any technology resembling a portable cooler around; Schuldig preferred his beer warm anyway, and if the snacks were a little unusual they seemed to be along the same lines as the Japanese chips and crackers Nagi liked. Crawford insisted on apples for a pretense of healthy eating, and as for real meals, they had gotten a map at the inn which showed towns along the road regularly spaced about two days' walk apart, or a day's drive by jeep, so there were no real worries there.

Other supplies were a little more - problematic.

"You have no pistol ammunition at _all_?"

"I'm sorry, sir," the curvy woman behind the counter said, sweating a little under Crawford's glare, "but we don't get much call for it - we used to keep some on hand, but it's been long sold. Pistols just aren't common around here, I haven't seen one in a dog's age."

"Ridiculous," Crawford said. "It is from this world, isn't it?"

"Kyu!"

"Well, where did the other guy get his bullets, then?" Schuldig demanded of the dragon, which shrugged its wings.

"There's a mining town west and south of here, a week or so away," said the woman. "They had factories - you might be able to find ammunition there. If it's still going, anyway... We haven't heard from them in a long while, and there were a lot of youkai working in the mines."

Crawford leaned against the counter and thought it over.

"We do have plenty of rifle and shotgun ammunition, though," she offered. "And seeing how you saved my sweetheart, I can give you a good discount on a gun..."

Crawford left the store with both a short-barrelled shotgun and a rifle as long as his arm slung over one shoulder. Schuldig said, "You overcompensate."

"And you hit on lesbians. Your point?"

"... you're an asshole."

They were supposed to meet Nagi and Farfarello at the local tailor when they were done; upon entering they were greeted by the unexpected sight of Farfarello in lavender.

"I found a new straitjacket," he said. "Needs some buckles, though."

Schuldig sighed. "Let me see the sleeves - Farf, that's a ladies' jacket, you just put it on backwards."

"But it fits, see? An' the sleeves're long enough..."

"They've also got lace on the cuffs. Besides, it's silk, it'll never hold up -"

"I'm not wearing that," Brad told Nagi, who was holding out a flowing, long-sleeved shirt and pair of loose pants.

"But it's a fortune-teller's outfit, and you're a precog. And they don't have any suits..."

"This is about leaving you with Tot, isn't it."

"We had to hitchhike back at _four in the morning_. ... maybe."

"Lighten up, mein Herr," said Schuldig, browsing through jackets for something in his favorite green. "Shouldn't we be trying to blend in? When in Rome - or fantasyland..."

"I really need a straitjacket."

"We might have to go to a different tailor for that."

Crawford ended up in the fortune-teller's clothes after all; there was nothing else that would fit. He drew the line, however, at the matching hat Schuldig found. Slightly more casual outfits for the rest of them were simple enough, as were new shoes from the cobbler next door (the dress shoes were still wearable, but hardly practical for the long haul); straitjackets, on the other hand, appeared to be unheard of. Schuldig had to wonder what the people here did with their violent crazies, because it defied belief that they could all be perfectly sane.

He didn't want to be the one to say what most of Schwarz was thinking, but the day was wearing on and the truth of it was that they couldn't go anywhere for much longer without some form of restraints for Farfarello. It wasn't anything personal, Farfarello liked them as much as he liked anyone, but if he got in a mood it didn't matter whether he liked you or not, it mattered whether he had a pitcher of acid handy.

-Maybe if we got some ropes,- Nagi suggested. -Just until we get to a bigger town...-

-No good,- said Crawford. -Too easy to cut. Nagi, go back to that apothecary we passed and see what sort of sleeping medicine they have.-

-Hey, hey, hey,- Schuldig said. -That's a bit much, isn't it? I thought we all agreed, no drugs we don't all know about...-

-We don't have many options,- Crawford snapped, and though they'd been keeping their thoughts strictly three-way, enough leaked that Farfarello looked up from the display in the blacksmith's shop. Crawford modulated his tone. -Do you have a better idea, Schuldig? Because if you don't, this is the safest solution I can think of for all of us. Unless you're willing to risk our ride or Nagi or your own skin...-

That bastard really got on his nerves sometimes. "Brat, you're looking like a starving orphan child again," Schuldig said, and flipped the credit card over to Nagi. "Go get some dumplings or something." -Fine, get the stuff - then meet us back at the first tailor's.- "Farfarello, come with me, I just thought of something."

It took negotiation and a little mental persuasion, but under their watchful eyes the tailor and his neighboring cobbler turned one of the regular long-sleeved jackets into a quick but fair approximation of a straitjacket, with proper buckles and the cloth reinforced with shoe leather. There were some loose seams and overlarge stitches, and it had a general patched-together look, but it fit and didn't give anywhere when Farfarello tried it on and wasn't purple, so Schuldig counted it a net success.

When Farfarello wasn't looking Crawford caught Schuldig's eye and flashed a white packet with the apothecary's seal on it. Schuldig said, -It's not going to come to that. And if it does I'm telling him first. We just worked for Eszett, we're not them.-

Brad's eyes narrowed at that, but all he said was, -Better safe than sorry.-

As they packed up their purchases in the transformed jeep, Nagi said, "I wonder what happened to the original Sanzo party... I hope they're all right."

"Eh, they're the good guys. The way karma works, they're probably lounging around some hot springs somewhere laughing about whoever's gotten stuck with their old job..."

* * *

_At roughly the same time, in a world far, far away:_

"Tell me there's a Spring of Drowned Monk. _Please_."

"Are you sure, blondie? I think the breasts are a big improvement - don't you guys think so?"

"Oook ook!"

"Buuhii?"

"I mean, just look at those luscious curves -"

_Thwack_. "Get your hands off me, you perverted cockroach, or I'll kill you!"

"Hey, hey, watch the fan! Don't hate me 'cuz I have a natural resistance to cursed water..."

"Oh, that's the _least_ of the reasons I hate you."

"Oook?"

"Shut up, monkeybrain."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Sanbutsushin = Three Aspects of Buddha, also known in Saiyuki as Sanzo's bosses and credit line. Even not counting this interlude, they're going to have quite a lot to say to him if he ever makes it back East alive. :D
> 
> 2\. For the curious, imagine Brad in an outfit similar to the one in the following link: [link to image of Chin Yisou on photobucket](http://i981.photobucket.com/albums/ae295/hokutonpunch/Random/gs-yisou-1-ep11-cap.jpg). :D


	6. On the Road Again

The plan was to get out of town unnoticed, but Miwan caught them going by the inn. "You're not leaving already, are you?"

"It's difficult, Liebchen, but yes, we must be on our quest to - ah - which way are we heading, again?"

"Kyu!"

"Jeep-dragon says west."

"People suck everywhere. West is fine," said Nagi.

Farfarello shrugged.

"West it is," Crawford said.

"On our quest to the West, then. Absolutely urgent, can't wait, it was a pleasure to rescue you, etcetera..."

"But - travelling at night?" Miwan asked. "It'll be even more dangerous..."

"We laugh at danger," said Schuldig. "Sometimes we say very cutting things about its parents, too. Don't worry about us, lovely Miwan, we'll be just fine."

"... not without dinner."

They didn't open the lacquered box until they were a mile out of town, whereupon there was an awed silence from the backseat.

"Well?" Schuldig said.

"Why couldn't we have stayed longer?"

"Never outstay a welcome, Nagi," Crawford said. "Pass me the top layer."

"None o' ye can cook like this," said Farfarello, halfway through his share already. "Hope the next girl's a chef too..."

"Hey, save some for the driver, you bastards -"

But Farfarello had paused, and now said, "I've got a question."

"What is it?" Crawford asked.

"If we're killing the villains - that still counts as an abomination unto the Lord, right?"

Schuldig repressed a mental smirk - _knew this hero-business wouldn't hold together long_ \- and said, "Of course it does. Besides the general murdering, the fact of the matter is that these youkai weren't villains until the minus-thing hit, and therefore if the minus-thing were fixed, they'd be back to being regular, everyday people, albeit pointy-eared, many-colored regular people. In killing them, you're not just committing murder, you're also taking away their chances of becoming good again and repenting their sins and so on. It's like salt in God's wounds, really."

"... ye're not half bad at this, Schuldig."

"It's what we Germans are known for," Schuldig said. "Theology and mass murder."

* * *

It seemed a stretch to call a set of rutted tracks through a forest a "road," but it was what they had to drive on, and despite the bumpy ride Nagi and Farfarello had long since fallen asleep in the backseat, Farfarello securely wrapped up in his new straitjacket and Nagi leaning against him, head pillowed on Farfarello's shoulder. It was so cute Schuldig thought he might be sick.

"If only we had a camera," he said. "Imagine the blackmail material... No, don't look around, you'll run us into a tree and ruin it."

Crawford made grumpy mental noises in response. He was always a sore sport about taking his turn at driving.

Schuldig leaned back in his seat, put his feet on the dashboard, and enjoyed the view overhead. They might be lacking in some of the conventional amenities in this country, but they had one hell of a starry sky...

"Lack of light pollution," Crawford said. "You spend too much time in cities."

"I wasn't going to ask why," said Schuldig.

"Yes, you were."

"Fine, I was." Schuldig looked over at the clock on the driver's side; apparently it was halfway through the hour of the Ox, whenever that was supposed to be (felt like two in the morning, but who knew for sure?). "You ready to pull over and call it a day? I don't think we're going to make the next town by dawn at this pace, and the jeep's sounding beat."

"Kyuu..."

"Just a little further," Brad said. "Although if you would like to take the wheel again -"

"No thanks, I'm disqualified," Schuldig said. He pulled out one of the beers he'd bought earlier, flipped off the cap, and took a drink. "They probably don't have highway patrols around here, but why take the chance?"

For a few minutes there were no sounds but the general buzz of natural nightlife and Farfarello's light snoring. Schuldig sipped his beer, and eventually said, "Mein Herr, you haven't had any visions of Weiss, have you?"

Crawford shook his head. "A few flashes on the beach - they survived, the vegetable woke up -"

"No kidding? I really thought that - well, that's nice. A happy ending for Sleeping Beauty. And that was it?"

"That's been it. They were fading out on the way to Nagoya, and completely cut off when we woke up here. Wherever we are relative to Japan, it's too far to see anything. ... and though I may regret this, why do you ask?"

"Ah, no real reason," Schuldig said. "I worry about that Omi brat sometimes, is all... I've been in his head and it's messy in there, he might be headed for trouble."

Crawford smirked. "If he keeps running around Tokyo in shorts and that shirt, he is."

"And people think I'm the pervert," Schuldig said. "Don't say that shit where Nagi can hear, or you'll end up sleeping on the floor with Farf..."

"That's different," said Brad. "Nagi is ours. It's not like you to care just because you were rummaging around someone's head. Don't tell me I've corrupted you after all?"

"No, American pigdog, nothing like that," though the brat was cute when he wasn't wearing hideous shirts. "Just..." Schuldig had to stop and think it over, because after all Crawford was right, this wasn't like him. "He reminded me a little of Nagi, really. Bit less repeated abuse, bit more kidnapping, but otherwise - not so different. And I wouldn't trust those idiots in Weiss to raise a fish, let alone a kid. If they're not working they probably don't even know where he is half the time, and who knows what they feed him..."

Crawford didn't answer for a while. He reached over to the glove compartment and pulled out a half-empty pack of cigarettes, took one, held it in his fingers without lighting it.

"I don't have a lighter," Schuldig said. "Or matches. Hey, you're not muscling in on my territory without consulting us, are you? You know we have that all settled right now. You're the pedo, Farf's the psycho, Nagi - shoplifts or something, and I do the substance abuse. If you're going to start with the smoking again, you have to ask first."

"Shut up. There's a lighter in the glove compartment, I saw it earlier."

Schuldig lit the cigarette for him without further comment. Brad hadn't smoked since they were teens in training at Eszett headquarters; if he was stressed enough to start again he wasn't letting a trace of it out where Schuldig could pick up on it.

Crawford took a drag off the cigarette and blew out a smoke ring as if he'd never stopped the damn habit, and said, "Weiss would probably say the same things about us and Nagi."

"What? Those _bastards_, what do they know, I bet they don't have any college savings for Omi either -"

"Probably not," Crawford said. "The point is, what they don't know about us, we don't know about them. We saw them at their worst, and put them there ourselves; they might take better care of Tsukiyono than we give them credit for."

"Not damn likely," Schuldig muttered. He turned around again and looked back at Nagi, sound asleep and well-fed and perfectly safe, thank you, even napping on a sociopath, and tried not to burn with too much rage at Weiss. Those self-righteous jerks probably thought they kept Farfarello locked up, too - well, okay, they did, but he asked them to do it and it was only so he wouldn't hurt any of them when he was in a mood and anyway, what did Weiss know about looking out for each other? They couldn't even rescue one of their own without angsting about it first and practically letting him be beaten to death. (What was it with Takatoris and beating people? It was amazing Omi hadn't been the blunt-object member of the foursome, really.)

But Farfarello and Nagi - _ours_, Crawford had said, which was a funny word coming out of Crawford's mouth, but it was all that worked. They weren't family because none of them had any family they wanted to bring up in conversation, and they weren't friends because they weren't the kind of people who had friends - or wanted them - but they looked after their own and they were each other's, all right, scars and straitjackets and all. For whatever that was worth.

Brad's cigarette had burned down to ash in his fingers; Schuldig leaned over and pinched it out, and said, "Pull over, mein Herr, it's past your bedtime."

"You aren't my mother, Schuldig," said Brad, but he steered the jeep off the tracks and parked.

Schuldig stretched out. "Well, I'm glad we had this little chat, anyway..."

"Zzzzz," said Crawford, already asleep.

"Good night to you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. The shirt to which Crawford is referring is the following: [link to image of Omi from Weiss Kreuz in an oddly designed shirt](http://i215.photobucket.com/albums/cc128/shirouhokuto/WK_Omi0017.jpg). Author not responsible for any ocular damage incurred by viewing this image.
> 
> 2\. The hour of the Ox is 1-3 a.m.


	7. Meet the (Other) Bad Guys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has fanart, done by the most amazing yuuago! [Link to fanmade art of Hakuryuu and Schuldig conversing.](http://i215.photobucket.com/albums/cc128/shirouhokuto/Brief%20Transit%20Art/amselartbig.png)

Schuldig woke up to a tanned face surrounded by orange hair hanging upside-down over him, a situation he'd been striving to avoid since that unpleasant doppelgänger incident in Amsterdam.

The girl - at least Schuldig hoped someone with a cute face and rack like that was a girl, but his guesses had been a little off lately - frowned, and said, "Awwwww, you aren't baldie-Sanzo either!"

"I had better not be baldie-_anybody_," said Schuldig, frantically running his fingers through his hair. There was no way he could be losing his hair, he'd only bleached it that once and it had been on a dare and had looked terrible and he'd never tried it again... "Crawford! You're behind the wheel, this is your problem."

"Hngrf?"

"Glad to see you're on the ball." Any other time, day or night, and the sneakiest ninja in the world couldn't get a drop on Crawford, but the man could not seem to handle the hours between six and ten a.m. without six cups of coffee and a good running start.

The girl jumped over his head and flipped, landing on the jeep's hood and provoking an outraged "Kyuu!". She pouted cutely as she surveyed Schwarz and said, "Oh man, what a waste! I flew all this way so I could fight baldie-Sanzo and get some meat-buns and the sutra for my big brother, but you guys aren't them even if you do have Hakuryuu!"

"Baldie-Sanzo?"

"Hakuryuu?"

"Nrrgmf?"

"What's a sutra?" Farfarello asked.

"Um - they're scriptures," Nagi said. "Kind of like a Buddhist bible."

"Oh, heathen stuff," said Farfarello, who could be astoundingly superior about religion for someone who cut himself to prove a point to a God he didn't believe in.

Schuldig said, "Farf, now is probably not the time for the lectures on Christian supremacy, all right?"

"What's 'heathen' mean?" the girl said.

"Nothing important for a cute young lady like yourself," said Schuldig, and she preened. Now he could get a better look at her he was starting to feel illegal for having noticed her rack, because she might be well-developed in that area but she didn't look - or act - any older than Tot. What was it with Asia and the cute-little-girl act, anyway? Fucking creepy, that's what it was...

_Focus, genius. You're in charge till Crawford gets caffeine._ "So - what's a little honey like you need with dusty old scriptures?"

"Oh!" the girl said. "Well - I dunno exactly. Mother needs them for her plans and Doctor Ni too, so they told my brother to get them, but they're really hard to find. And baldie-Sanzo has one but Kou hasn't been able to get it from him 'cuz they're really good fighters - you guys don't look too tough, though!"

"Zzzsnf!" said Crawford, catching the dismissive tone if not the words, and Farfarello fidgeted impatiently in his straitjacket.

"You might be surprised," Schuldig said pleasantly. "But also disappointed, unless - hey, Nagi, are there any sutras back there?"

"I don't think so - Farfarello, please move a bit so I can check there... No, what about up there?"

"Nope. Sorry," said Schuldig to the girl, "looks like we're fresh out of sutras."

She pouted again, and Schuldig changed his mind. If Crawford woke up enough to deal with her he'd probably shoot her in the face; this was a job for the only other member of Schwarz not adversely affected by girl cooties. -Nagi! She's your type, you deal with her.-

Unusually, Nagi made no protest, and leaned on the back of the front seat. "Um - hi," he said. "Sorry if my friends have been rude - my name's Naoe Nagi..."

"Hi~!" she said back, leaning on the windshield and prompting another "kyuu!" from the jeep. "I'm Lirin! How'd you guys end up with Hakuryuu anyway, do you know where baldie-Sanzo and everyone are?"

Schuldig left them chattering away - well, Lirin did most of the chattering, and Nagi listened; the boy was damn good at it, he'd be a hit with the ladies when he grew up - while he sifted through the girl's mind. Not that there was much to sift; air and fluff for the most part, with that same odd flavor as the youkai minds - now he looked, she did have those long ears, plus two broad maroon stripes on one cheek - and a fear, only lightly buried, of a man in a lab coat and a green-haired woman with a matchless set of breasts. What did they feed women here, anyway? Japan could do with some of it.

Crawford was more awake now, and looked less pleased by the word; Farfarello was trying to wriggle out of the straitjacket and straining the seams, he probably needed to kill something. The chatty girl was a tempting target, but no point killing an enemy so easily won over and informative...

"- and so I snuck away from Yaone and stole - um, borrowed a dragon, but now there isn't a sutra! Kou's going to be soooooo mad -"

"Er," Nagi said. "Does Yaone happen to have purple hair? In little braids?"

"Yeah!"

"And your brother - is he really tan like you?"

"Yeah, he is! Wow, how do you know that? Can you read minds?"

"No, that's my job," Schuldig said. "It's more that they've landed right behind you."

Lirin eeped.

"Lady Lirin!" the purple-haired lady said, running towards them from the dragon she'd just jumped from; watching her was better than Baywatch. "What were you thinking, how could you just disappear like that after everything that's happened -"

"I just wanted to get the sutra, I was gonna come right back, honest!"

"Lord Kougaiji and I were worried sick, please don't ever do this again - I'm so sorry," the woman said, turning to the men in the jeep, "I hope she hasn't bothered you too much, Mr. Hak- oh. You're - not the Sanzo party..."

Schuldig gave her his widest smirk. "We're just a bundle of disappointments this morning, I can see."

She blushed at that, and said quickly, "No, I only meant -"

"Is this the only jeep in the whole blasted world?" Crawford said, snarky but coherent at last.

"The only one that I know of," said a dark young man with purplish-red hair; presumably the aforementioned Lord Kougaiji. He was standing next to a second dragon and glaring daggers at the lot of them. "How did you end up with him?"

"It's a cool story, Nagi was telling me about it!" Lirin said, and launched into a dressed-up version, complete with hand-gestures; an excellent distraction while Schuldig gave the two new minds a check-up. Yaone's - sweet, very sweet, just his taste, but already taken; Kougaiji's - ugh. Absolutely reeking with honor, virtue, loyalty - it was disgusting. Was this what they had for evil masterminds around here? No _wonder_ the Sanzo party was still alive and in possession of their sutra, this guy clearly didn't know the first thing about villainy.

Well, no point making their own lives harder by educating Kougaiji otherwise, not when there was a more amusing way. Still sorting through the youkai's memories, Schuldig said, "Well, well, you are an interesting guy, aren't you? I thought you might be the big bad around here, but it looks like you just follow step-mommy's orders. Pity..."

Kougaiji flushed darker, and demanded, "How - where did you hear that?"

"This is all pretty surface stuff," Schuldig said absently. "Oh, so you're doing this for your mother? That's sweet, that is. That's family devotion - not that I'd know. Too bad you haven't gotten anywhere, playing fair's a bitch, isn't it? I do hope you realize Lady Greenhair isn't going to hold up her end of the bargain, she's got 'backstabbing whore' written all over her face..."

The youkai stepped forward, the bracelets on his wrists jangling. "How dare you, you -"

Crawford was out of the jeep instantly and smoothly, blocking Kougaiji's path. "My apologies, Mister - Kougaiji, is it? My friend has a certain - talent, which he often abuses," he said, and shot a glance loaded with just the right amount of annoyance at Schuldig, who grinned unrepentantly and flipped his hair. "He means no harm by it, and, to be frank, it's not the most reliable of talents; he often misinterprets or misunderstands what he sees. Perhaps he was mistaken, just now...?"

A long, tense moment, all eyes on the red-haired youkai; then Kougaiji's shoulders slumped, and he said, "No - I'm afraid your friend has the right of it..."

Schuldig leaned back and tried not to gloat too openly as Kougaiji spun out his sob story to Crawford. They still had it, all right, they'd been the best goddamn team Eszett ever had and even jumping worlds couldn't put a dent in their style. -Nice work, mein Herr,- he said, and turned around to see if there was anything left of Miwan's provisions.

His grin disappeared. Farfarello wasn't just fidgeting or wriggling anymore, he was doing his damnedest to get out of the already-strained straitjacket, and there was blood leaking down his chin - probably from biting the inside of his mouth, always a bad sign. (Not that there were good signs with Farf, really; just bad signs, and worse signs, and "oh shit someone get the tranquilizer gun" signs.)

Schuldig leaned out of the jeep and said, "Hey, lovely lady - Yaone?"

She turned away from watching her boytoy and Crawford talk and gave Schuldig a dirty look. "Yes?"

"You happen to know if there's anyone around here you wouldn't mind dead?"

"What?"

"See, our friend here has this condition -"

"Check _this_ out - all the people we've been looking for in one place!"

"Friends of yours?" Schuldig asked.

Yaone already had a spear in her hands that she could not _possibly_ have been carrying concealed in an outfit like hers. "No - they're servants of Lady Gyokumen, they've been after Lady Lirin..."

Schuldig surveyed the circle of youkai suddenly surrounding their stretch of road, and said "Perfect."

"The shotgun, I think," said Crawford; Schuldig reached under the front seat and tossed the thing to him, then turned around again to tell Nagi to let Farf loose - but Nagi had already jumped over the jeep's side and was standing back-to-back with Lirin, ready for battle.

This was going to be Tot all over again. He had a feeling.

He started unbuckling the straitjacket himself, saying, "Up for causing some divine agony?"

Farfarello made incoherent noises in response. Worse sign. Schuldig said, "Remember, we're off-limits, and so are our new buddies, the redhead and the sexy lady - and the orange-haired brat, too, I suppose. Got it? You sure? Good, get out there and make atheism proud."

Farf was off like a shot, ululating with glee and bloodlust. He didn't appear to be aiming for anyone nominally on the side of Schwarz, so Schuldig called it a win and leaned back to appreciate the carnage. Besides Farfarello at work with his new set of knives and Crawford putting the shotgun to good messy use, Kougaiji was laying waste to several more of the attackers with fire (well-controlled, too - Schuldig would have to ask about that, he'd never known a pyrokinetic to keep it together that well), his purple-haired girlfriend was doing her part with her magical appearing spear, and Lirin and Nagi were making quite the team, Nagi grabbing youkai and tossing them into trees where Lirin could punch them until they couldn't move.

Schuldig was thinking about getting Crawford's rifle and helping out with a strategic shot or two when clawed hands closed around his neck. "Shit! Need some help over here, guys!" he tried to say, but all that came out was a choked "Hshfhfm!"

"At least we can get _one_ of you bastards," the youkai hissed in his ear, and Schuldig scrabbled at his hands and his mind at the same time, trying to loosen his grip. Hard to get a good grip when he couldn't see the youkai's eyes but he found something, yanked on it hard; "Shunpei?" the youkai said, his voice wobbling, and Schuldig grabbed him and tossed him over his head into the windshield.

Or he would have if the windshield - and the jeep with it - hadn't disappeared. "Damnit! You have to stop doing that!"

"Kyuu!"

The youkai had rolled with the throw and was already up, if a little dazed-looking. "Son of a bitch! How did you -"

Schuldig kicked him in the gut, the crotch, and the face in rapid succession, and when he'd fallen into a huddled heap of pain on the ground, sat on him.

The dragon hovered overhead, cheeping indignantly.

"Well, if you hadn't transformed then he wouldn't be a problem anymore, would he?"

"Kyuuuuu kyu kyu!"

"We'd have gotten it fixed when we reached the next town -"

"If you're quite finished," Crawford said; Schuldig looked around and saw that the fighting was done, the attacking youkai having been thoroughly disposed of. Kougaiji, Yaone, and Lirin looked like they hadn't even broken a sweat, which was more than could be said for Farfarello, who looked like he might have broken an arm.

"All done here," said Schuldig. "This one's alive, if anyone's got any questions..."

"There's nothing I need to ask him," Kougaiji said darkly.

"Anybody else?"

"If ye doan want 'im, I'll 'ave 'im," Farfarello volunteered (his accent always got thicker after a fight, it was the damnedest thing), "I doan min' goin' another round..."

"No!" Lirin said, "he - he's not so bad, he used to be my guard - Kou, can't we keep him? Please? Pleeeeeeeeease?"

"Um..."

"Lord Kougaiji? What about - them?"

"I think we have a talk we need to finish," said Crawford. "Schuldig, stop sitting on the prisoner."

* * *

There was nothing like a good fight to bring people together; the only real detail that remained was keeping Yaone from healing Farfarello. His arm turned out to be only dislocated at the shoulder, but in the area of cuts and stabs he had gotten almost as good as he'd given.

"But I can _fix_ everything," Yaone protested. "You're bleeding half to death, and look at your shoulder..."

"I like it tha' way," Farfarello said. "Schuldig, bet ye a pound I can get outta the jacket with me arm like this."

"No bets," Nagi said, inspecting the straitjacket. "It's not holding up so well, look, the stitches here are coming apart..."

"Lovely," said Schuldig. "Farf, let the lady put your arm back in and see what you can do about the jacket - Liebchen, don't worry about the rest, it's between him and his God. In a manner of speaking."

"You must have a very strange god," Yaone said dubiously. She put her hands on Farfarello's shoulder, and a yellow light glowed over them.

"Yeah, even weirder than the gods we have around here!" Lirin said.

Farfarello's eye widened. "Gods?"

_Oh shit._ "You - er - have more than one god?" Schuldig asked.

"Lots!" said Lirin happily. "There were three that came down a while ago and took the sutras an' stuff, but Kou and Sanzo and everyone killed them, it was great!"

"That was a special case, though - normally they don't bother visiting directly," Yaone said. "I don't know why - um, Mr. Farfarello? Are you all right?"

"More than one god," Farfarello breathed, and was he misting up? Really? "Schuldig, did ye hear? They've got -"

"We heard," Crawford said. "So, Mister Kougaiji - do we have an arrangement?"

Kougaiji looked like he was having second thoughts, but he said, "Yes. I'll warn my youkai to leave you alone, but I can't promise anything about Gyokumen's..."

"No problem, we need something to keep Farf happy if we don't run into any gods," said Schuldig. He stood up. "Hey, dragon-jeep - I mean, Hakuryuu - I think we're ready to move on if you are."

"Kyuu!"

"I still want to know how you made Shunpei appear," said the former guard-youkai, Jun, who had wormed his way back into Kougaiji and Yaone's good graces.

"Trade secret."

* * *

They had been on the road for a grand total of five minutes before Crawford said, "So - the dragon's name is Hakuryuu, they said?"

"Yes..." Nagi frowned. "But that's such a boring name, it just means 'white dragon.' "

"Well, we can't have that," Schuldig said.

"Kyu?"

"We'll rename you," said Schuldig, and patted the steering wheel. "Something really great. Like - Fafnir. Good solid dragon name, Fafnir."

"Sounds too much like my name," Farfarello said. "Ye'd get confused."

"Maybe Orochi," Nagi suggested. "Like the snake in the story."

"Kyuu kyu kyuuuu."

"I don't think he likes Japanese names. Hey, what about Jormugand? Another good strong Viking name..."

"Kyu!"

"... Falkor," said Crawford.

There was stunned silence before Schuldig said, "No. Oh, no. Crawford, tell me you didn't -"

"Yes, he used to read it to me when I couldn't sleep," Nagi said brightly. "I really liked the bits with the sorceress and her armor-people. And the nightmare-country, too."

"I have lost all respect for you," Schuldig told Crawford, who had put an arm over his head to hide his face with the giant sleeves. "Not that I had any to begin with, of course."

"Anyway, Falkor is a nice name," said Nagi. "And he was a white dragon too, and probably looked a lot like this one..."

"Kyuuuu," sighed the jeep.

"Falkor it is."


End file.
